10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow".
9. Buries tail, wags bones.
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products.
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day.
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface.
5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on
his head.
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word.
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought
he'd be a good congressman.
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny
horse-and-carriage to come out.
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz".
Top Ten Excuses For Losing The Dog Show:
10. Mistaken in assumption there would be chance to show off talent for
drinking from toilet.
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle
Three.
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
5. My lifelong battle with problem drool.
4. During spelling portion, spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let him stand naked in Madison
Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.
Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs:
10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat.
9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney.
8. New sniffing competition.
7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones
on head.
6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges.
5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick.
4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat.
3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines
Burgers.
2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet.
1. Points taken off for mange.