Letterman's Top Ten!
Reasons Why You Should Always Pick Up After Your Dog
10. Because training the dog to "go" in the toilet just isn't working.
9. So you can feel perfectly justified to guilt trip others who don't.
8. So you don't get nailed by the K-9 police.
7. So your kid doesn't have to do it on clean up day.
6. "We don't want to ruin the Disneyland like quality of downtown
Juneau, now do we?"
5. The excuse that you are "Baggie Challenged" just doesn't fly.
4. So we can listen to the locals rag about something else on KINY's
Problem Corner.
3. So tourists don't confuse the Wetlands trail with Hollywood's Walk of
Fame.
2. Do you like stepping in dog poop?
1. Because it STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like
you) on a leash in your living room
8. Ice floating in toilet water
7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant
5. You can never find the leftovers
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature
Channel
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"
1. Your apartment keys no longer work
Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog
10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would
shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife.
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
1. One word: sausage-gate
David Letterman's Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a
Bad Veterinarian
10. When you hand him your cat, he asks
uncomfortably, "Monkey?"
9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber
glove.
8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!
7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese
restaurant.
6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."
5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your
dog's annual neutering."
4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"
3. He has a lot of posters up advertising
cockfights.
2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped
dog collars.
1. He bites!
Bonus indication you may have gone to the wrong vet......
Sign in front:
"Joe's vet and taxidermy. Either way you get your dog back."